It has been a really tough week for me. For Jean-Pierre and I. Wednesday February 26 was the 7 year mark of our beautiful Katie passing. She was 2.5 years old. The week that followed had entailed all of the funeral preparations, and March 5th is the anniversary of her being buried. Since then, every year has been, and always will be, a very hard week for us. It will never be the same. Always hold those memories and those thoughts.
It is nice to have distractions and trust me, Juli is a beautiful one. But we also need the time to think and to process as well.
I only do positive and happy things on those two days. Things for me. Makes the days a little bit easier. Emotionally they are very rough days so I try my best to be gentle to myself on those days. I know that Juli doesn’t understand why I seem a bit different on those days and I try my best to be “just mommy” to her when she is with me, but while she is at school and sleeping those are my times and I do what ever I feel like doing. No commitments on those days. No pressure. No stress.
People don’t usually hear from me phone wise or in person on the 26th. This day is the one for me that is most poignant. I just stay quiet, do things for me and THINK. REMEMBER. Out of all of the anniversaries for some reason this is the hardest one. The day I lost her. Not her birthday or Christmas, but this one. I remember the day is my mind like it just happened yesterday. Every minute and every detail. I don’t think that will change. ever. I don’t think I want it to as these are my last memories of her. I want to always remember, no matter how hard the memories are. Being a mom is not always easy and this is just one of those hard times that I have that comes with being Katie’s mom. I love her to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond and I always will.
This is what I think about this whole week.
Then as the 5th comes around it does get a little easier because by then the emotions have come out and I am slowly coming out of the fog and ready to get back into the “normal” life again. Ready to keep going till the next anniversary, and each holiday that we spend without her.
I will always carry this with me. It is part of who I am now. A mom who lost her child. If you see me in the street you wouldn’t know it, I hold it well, but when I meet new people I am always happy to share stories of my little girl, and to tell anyone who wants to listen all about her :). No matter how much it hurts, it is always wonderful to tell people about my little Katie-Bear.
Now the rough week has past and I put the hard emotions back into their box until I am ready to open the box again and visit them. I have Juli that I need to take care of, she needs 100% of me and I want and need to be there for her. Those emotions are always there, but they have to stay in their place so that I can do what I need to do each day for her. I wear my little angel pendant to make me think of my special girl when I look at it and then rest of the time I am Juli’s mom :).
Each holiday is difficult, always will be hard. Nothing will take that away, but celebrating them with Juli makes them special in the new way. I am very thankful that I have her to show me new things and new ways of seeing things.
And now that my rough week has passed, I can move on through and keep on enjoying all of the blessings and joys that come with Juli.