My turn…

After all of this time, it’s my turn.

I have my first appointment with Juli’s psychologist for my own evaluation tomorrow. I’m actually excited. It’s now my turn to get some answers.

Answers as to what I have been feeling. Answers as to what my learning disability is. Answers as to how strong my ADD is.

Answers as to what is going on with me…

I have been having a lot of trouble lately with accomplishing things. I have my set things that I do each day. It does vary each day, for example certain things I do on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc.  And I know what I do on each of those days. Where I have trouble is when I try to add something new to the agenda. I can’t.

Focusing on achieving that one new thing and making sure it gets done will take over my whole brain and everything else will go out the window.  If I try and keep everything else on my mind together I will get so stressed and more so overwhelmed that I will start to panic and my mind just shuts down. I shut down. I can’t do it… I can’t cope.

I have a lot of trouble keeping up with things.

It happens so often lately and it is really starting to scare me. I used to be able to do so much, accomplish so much in a day.  I never even had with standing “to-do” lists. I used to be able to put a few things on a “to-do” list and the list was empty by noon the next day.  Now, these days, I have 20 lists and I can barely accomplish a few things in one day.  When I do need to do something I have to mentally prepare myself to do it or else it takes to much out of me…. It’s hard to describe. It takes too much, maybe a decent term is, emotional energy.

I know it is no longer grief that is doing this as I am able to accomplish things. There have been many days where I have spent the whole day going strong and getting things done. Like when I attacked the office a couple months after we moved in and I got more than half of it organized in one day. I have many productive days like that. Productive in my eyes.

When I was first grieving there was no way I could accomplish anything like that. I was not able to go more than an hour without being emotionally done for.

This is something else going on, but I’m not sure what. Juli’s OT suspects that I have a mild form of SPD as well and that losing Katie made it become more prominent in my life and affect me more.  I was also told when I was in school, I don’t remember if it was elementary or high school, that I have ADD. So maybe that is just getting more extreme….

There are days when going out and doing things just takes so much energy and I am just not up for it. But yet I can get a decent amount work done at home. Just going out takes more energy than doing my work.  The emotional energy it takes to do things is always on my mind, in my thoughts.

I also can’t get stressed or upset with out getting a migraine. I call them stress migraines and just a little bit of stress triggers them and it takes days for them to go away.  Anxiety disorder maybe…?

Also I used to be the most organized person. I always kept receipts and papers in their place to be able to find what I needed in the blink of eye. I stopped having the ability to do that as well. It is not that I forgot HOW to is that I can’t do it anymore.  I have tried hard and I just can’t manage to focus on it or accomplish it and maintain it. It’s too overwhelming.

A lot of things seem too overwhelming these days.  I get behind on a lot of things and then it just gets too overwhelming to try and fix it all and get caught up.  I didn’t used to be affected like this.  Even the government paperwork was too overwhelming. I had to have help just to fill out the simple forms.

I want to know why I am now like this. Why does this happen to me now. I need to know what is going on with me and to try and fix it.

Juli needs me and I am starting to have a lot of things I need to do and organize for her and what ever is affecting me can’t get in the way of my being a good mom and advocate for her. I am starting to really feel like it is affecting my life and me too much and I need to find out what is going on.

So now it is my turn. I took the first steps and I am looking forward to this evaluation as it should give me all of the answers I need. Answers to questions I have been asking since I was just a little girl….

Tomorrow my journey begins 🙂



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