And so now I know…

It feels good. I’m relieved.

Had my conclusion meeting yesterday with my psychologist, Dr. Zanni, and she confirmed it. I have pretty high ADHD and I am mildly on the spectrum. I am high functioning autistic.

It feels really good to be able to start to understand why I am the way I am and why I do things the way I do. To understand why I am run by my emotions. Like Juli I have little emotional control and I struggle with this everyday.

Lately, I struggle with a lot of things, anxiety and emotions being at the top of that list.  Now I will be able to learn why.

I will be able to take advantage of the autism therapy that we are doing for Julianna and be able to use it to understand myself better and maybe even be able to benefit by it myself. That would be nice!

When she confirmed that I’m autistic everything starting falling into place and it was as if I could see it all in my mind clicking into place. One eureka after another.

Why I get overwhelmed very easily and just shut down when I do.  Why I have a hard time starting many things. I am the one that encourages Juli to do things, help her transition into each activity and get her things done. I don’t have anyone to do that for me.  I am responsible for that.

For others that is just a normal part of life. Something everyone does naturally.  You don’t even think about it… Sure there are somethings that each person is not enthusiastic to do and it takes a bit more convincing to get up and start that. But most things you don’t think about – you just do them.

For me, a lot of things are harder for me to do as I put a lot of my brain fuel into Juli first and so there is not much left for me. Before things were easier as she didn’t need so much, but as she needs more I make sure I give it to her and then there is less for me.  I am stating reality, and in no way complaining. This is just what I am learning and trying to understand. By understanding I can try and grow and maybe handle things better :).

I used to be able to put all of my energy into doing it for myself until Juli needed me to do that for her. So I spend a lot of my brain power on doing it for her so when it comes to me it is so much harder.  As I now have to convince myself to get started and help myself transition into each activity. Not easy when it’s for yourself.

Things that come naturally for me and things I am good at are things that don’t take as much focus to transition into.   Those are easier to do and therefore I really find comfort in doing.

I have a fascination for electronics so anything in that area is easy for me to jump into. I love writing so that comes easy as well.

Also part of how I have coped is by trying to organize my day and my life. For some reason I can’t get on with my day until the beds are made, so I never have a hard time doing that. In fact, quite the opposite. I get up and that is almost the first thing on my mind. Don’t feel right until they are done.

The dishwasher is also another thing that is easy for me. It is always done. Dirty dishes are always put in the minute they are done with and as soon as it is full I need to run it and as soon as it is done, I am ready and waiting to get it set up for the next load. Just another thing like the beds that I NEED to do.

Vacuuming is another. I like to do my place each day and when I can’t it drives me nuts.

Now I am starting to understand my brain a bit and why I feel this way.

It feels so good to understand :).

It is also interesting to learn the differences of how autism affects me and Juli differently. We are both high functioning and yet we are so different :).

I am no different than I was before. But I’m happy as now I have the opportunity to understand more about me and learn ways to be able to help myself handle the parts of life that I haven’t been handling so well lately.

For that I am thankful :).

And now I can post more about my feelings and experiences here too which can hopefully help other people to understand autism more and from a different point of view.

Getting as much awareness out there as we can is so very important. And I believe that more than ever now since I am now a part of this journey as well as Julianna.

There are many other examples that I could never understand why I feel that way I do and react the way I do. Now I can finally learn why. And as I do I can share them with you all.

No more feeling embarrassed about what I am feeling or things I can’t do. Now I can be who I am and not be scared about not being accepted by people.

I am looking forward to this journey…

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