I have seen the psychologist a couple of times now since I got my Autism diagnosis in the middle of April.
It feels really good to have answers and to slowly understand more of what has been going on with me. I am figuring a lot of things out about my past and why I feel the way I do.
When I first got diagnosed I thought that I didn’t have much work to do with myself, but the more I learn, the more I realize that isn’t the case.
I have a similar lack of emotional control to the one that Juli does. For me it just manifests itself in different ways. Probably because I am an adult and have spent the last 38 years trying to implement my own coping mechanisms.
In my case I tend to go to extremes when it comes to thinking, and feeling. I tend to get very carried away and my mind tends to go too far. For many people with out asd, on a scale of 1-10 if you are very passionate about something and tend to put yourself into it then you would be considered a ten. Well in my mind the feelings and emotions are so intense that I tend to take it to level 15-20 or even more than that.
It just keeps building in my thoughts and emotions and I don’t know how to control them.
I’m an avid recycler and I am very passionate about the environment. I will recycle everything I can get my hands on down to the very last scrap. I will even go so far as to open, empty, and then rinse out yogurt containers if they were not eaten before they expired…. Yep, I know….extreme lol.
This is where my therapist explains that I have lost emotional control. There have been times that my husband was in the process of throwing out a container or two that could have been recycled and I see him in the process of doing this. Inside I just start going emotionally bananas. It is so hard to describe to you what goes on inside of me. I just get so emotional and my insides feel like they are in a running blender. The only thing on my mind is getting that container to be recycled.
I have gone into complete meltdowns on him a couple of times for this and some other reasons. I don’t get angry, I get upset and super emotional.
I look back on those moments now and I can’t believe that happened to me. When I am in a calm state I can’t believe I can actually get that upset. But I do and this is what my doctor is helping me to realize that we have to work on.
I can tend to think things way beyond levels any normal person would. Once I get a thought or passion in my head, I run with it and I can’t let it go. I will drive myself crazy with it too….
I also have a ton of anxiety :(. I’m always feeling stress or anxiety in my stomach. This isn’t good for me.
Every thought that I get into my head, I run over it a thousand times and I worry excessively about it from beginning to end. I need to calm down, but I can’t seem to.
I can tend to drive people crazy with my excessive worrying lol…. which leads to excessive talking :(…. I have a very hard time letting things go.
I also have to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit….
Things have continued to become a lot to handle lately… When it becomes too much I tend to just withdraw. Do what feels most comfortable which is my social media. That is my safe zone :). I am most comfortable in the electronics world. Cell phone, tablet, laptop, etc :). That is my niche.
My house is safe and I tend to gravitate there. This is also something my doctor wants to work on with me. I know she needs to push me out of my comfort zone and I know it will be anything but easy….
And one of the most important things she wants to work on with me, or at least I think it is, is she want to give me the power and the ability to speak up and have a normal back and forth conversation no matter how tough the conversation is…. She knows how hard it is for me to speak out right now. If I get spoken to strongly by someone, I tend to just be quiet and regress to myself.
Then after I feel like something is wrong with me because I couldn’t stand up for myself….. This isn’t good.
I also can’t handle people being mad or upset with me. I emotionally crumble and I withdraw from them due to not knowing how to face them….
I am really looking forward to working on these things and some others as well.
I’m looking forward to tweaking and improving myself – not changing myself 🙂