I have a lot of work to do on myself…..

I have seen the psychologist a couple of times now since I got my Autism diagnosis in the middle of April.

It feels really good to have answers and to slowly understand more of what has been going on with me.  I am figuring a lot of things out about my past and why I feel the way I do.

When I first got diagnosed I thought that I didn’t have much work to do with myself, but the more I learn, the more I realize that isn’t the case.

I have a similar lack of emotional control to the one that Juli does. For me it just manifests itself in different ways. Probably because I am an adult and have spent the last 38 years trying to implement my own coping mechanisms.

In my case I tend to go to extremes when it comes to thinking, and feeling.  I tend to get very carried away and my mind tends to go too far. For many people with out asd, on a scale of 1-10 if you are very passionate about something and tend to put yourself into it then you would be considered a ten. Well in my mind the feelings and emotions are so intense that I tend to take it to level 15-20 or even more than that.

It just keeps building in my thoughts and emotions and I don’t know how to control them.

For example…..

I’m an avid recycler and I am very passionate about the environment.  I will recycle everything I can get my hands on down to the very last scrap.  I will even go so far as to open, empty, and then rinse out yogurt containers if they were not eaten before they expired…. Yep, I know….extreme lol.

This is where my therapist explains that I have lost emotional control. There have been times that my husband was in the process of throwing out a container or two that could have been recycled and I see him in the process of doing this.  Inside I just start going emotionally bananas.  It is so hard to describe to you what goes on inside of me.  I just get so emotional and my insides feel like they are in a running blender.  The only thing on my mind is getting that container to be recycled.

I have gone into complete meltdowns on him a couple of times for this and some other reasons.  I don’t get angry, I get upset and super emotional.

I look back on those moments now and I can’t believe that happened to me.  When I am in a calm state I can’t believe I can actually get that upset.  But I do and this is what my doctor is helping me to realize that we have to work on.

I can tend to think things way beyond levels any normal person would.  Once I get a thought or passion in my head, I run with it and I can’t let it go. I will drive myself crazy with it too….

I also have a ton of anxiety :(. I’m always feeling stress or anxiety in my stomach. This isn’t good for me.

Every thought that I get into my head, I run over it a thousand times and I worry excessively about it from beginning to end.  I need to calm down, but I can’t seem to.

I can tend to drive people crazy with my excessive worrying lol…. which leads to excessive talking :(…. I have a very hard time letting things go.

I also have to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit….

Things have continued to become a lot to handle lately… When it becomes too much I tend to just withdraw. Do what feels most comfortable which is my social media. That is my safe zone :).  I am most comfortable in the electronics world. Cell phone, tablet, laptop, etc :).  That is my niche.

My house is safe and I tend to gravitate there. This is also something my doctor wants to work on with me.  I know she needs to push me out of my comfort zone and I know it will be anything but easy….

And one of the most important things she wants to work on with me, or at least I think it is, is she want to give me the power and the ability to speak up and have a normal back and forth conversation no matter how tough the conversation is….  She knows how hard it is for me to speak out right now. If I get spoken to strongly by someone, I tend to just be quiet and regress to myself.

Then after I feel like something is wrong with me because I couldn’t stand up for myself…..  This isn’t good.

I also can’t handle people being mad or upset with me. I emotionally crumble and I withdraw from them due to not knowing how to face them….

I am really looking forward to working on these things and some others as well.

I’m looking forward to tweaking and improving myself – not changing myself 🙂

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3 thoughts on “I have a lot of work to do on myself…..

  1. Wow !! Never thought autism could come out in an adult and I know someone with similar characteristics as you have described. I wish you all the best to you and your family. You sound like a tough cookie !

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    • Thank you so much. It is hard, but I’m trying to do my best. I’ve always had questions about myself and issues, I just never really questioned it. Then when my daughter was diagnosed and we took a long look at all of her tendencies and quirks we realized they were so much like me. I just wondered if there was a connection and so I looked into it with the psychologist. She confirmed that everything I questioned about me was due to being autistic :). I’ve been demonstrating signs all my life, just trying to cover up my quirks so as not to get made fun of and to get along in the world. Feels good to now be comfortable to be myself 🙂

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  2. You can converse with me back and forth anytime you need to. 🙂 Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. I am so glad you are feeling more comfortable with yourself. God made you unique, like no other. Your traights are what make you special!

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