Snuggle time ☺️

Hubby is out tonight with work, so I get to relax with Juju to help her fall asleep :).

We are making a bit of progress with working on getting her to sleep in her bed :).

One of us still has to stay with her until she falls asleep, but at least we are getting her to fall asleep in her bed / so that is a huge step!!!

It’s going to take many steps to get her to sleep in her room in her bed on her own, but that is ok. One step at a time, even if they are baby steps 🙂

Good night my sweet Juju 😘😴


Girls time :)!

I’ve been feeling a bit crappy for the past couple days :(.

I really hope that it goes away fast because I want to be in tip top shape for Juju while her dad is working in TO…

It’s just Juju and I for the next few days and I want to make the easiest for her that I can 🙂

Let’s see what tomorrow morning brings….

It’s Monday morning tomorrow and that means back to school for Juju. And going to school on a normal morning is already hard enough…. Now I’ll be trying to get her in after this being a 3 day weekend…..

She told me earlier that she wanted to try and see if she can take the bus in the morning to school. I told her it’s always good to try, and if she can’t tomorrow then we try again the next day.

She seemed pretty confident up until a few minutes ago, and then it started to unravel. I had a feeling it would. It’s ok though, we’ll keep working towards it 🙂

For now we work on one thing at a time and right now that is getting her to be less afraid of going into school.

The more self aware she becomes, the more fears she gains.

It’s really hard to help her with this as I also have the same feelings and it’s really hard to push past mine in order to guide her…

We have engaged a therapist now, so we are going to get help with this 🙂

Two opposites in one day…

Juju has a lot if sensory issues and they are strong higher up in her body, especially her head.

She is very particular in what hairstyle I can do for her. I can make tight ponytails, but they have to be almost at her neck. I have to make it as “down” as I can. She can’t handle it if there are even two finger spaces under it.

And trust me I have learned how to do the perfect one through many tries and remove and try again….

This afternoon she came to me and surprised me by asking me to put a whole bunch of tight braids in all over her hair. I was shocked and made sure she really wanted me to do this…

I have attempted this before and gotten as far as the first braid at her temple and she couldn’t handle it. It has been a while since she has asked though.

So I had her choose her holders and I proceeded to make as many braids as I could get in…. And she actually let me do it!

I was blown away!

I am so proud of her! This is a wonderful accomplishment!

And she actually kept them in for a couple hours 😊

She wore them outside to play and when her friend joined her she was showing off her braids to her friend :). She was so proud of them :)!

After a little while of playing her friend had to go inside for supper. Juju was invited to go downstairs and join them…

Juju has had a very hard time going different places lately, even familiar ones like school. This friend of hers lives one floor down from us in the basement. But Juju is terrified to go down there if I don’t come with her 😦

So I had to stop the chores that I was doing and take her downstairs. She wanted to go, but she was so afraid she was shaking and I practically had to drag her down the stairs :(. Even though she has gone down there to play with this friend quite a few times, she is always scared to do it without me or her dad….

She stayed right next to me for the first 20-30 minutes that we were there before she even willing to think about freely moving around.

She has gotten much worse in this way. At least before as long as we came with her she was ok to do things as long as she could see me or her dad. This time she had to stay close enough to me that she could touch me :(.

After a while she left my side, but asked me where I was going anytime that I walked around. She was so afraid I was going to go back upstairs and leave her there :(….


It’s been a hard 4 days for Juli…

My hubby, her daddy, has been in Toronto for the last 4 days for work and Juli has been the most affected by this. She really missed him.

As soon as he was out of view down the road on Thursday she realized what him leaving really meant and she just balled her eyes out for about 15 minutes. Repeating that she wanted him back.

I spent a lot of time with her that day, both because she was sick the night before and because now she was missing her daddy.

Friday was easier for her as it was a pretty busy day. She really wanted daddy when she was at the dentist, but other than that it wasn’t so bad.

Saturday was a pretty hard day for her. She had a hard time getting up for cheerleading. I think her body was still trying to recover from Wednesday night. She went into a complete meltdown as we were getting ready :(.

She just sat there and cried for about 30 minutes. Couldn’t move. Poor thing….

I had to get ready so I was trying to calm her down by talking to her while I got ready. Obviously didn’t work as you can’t talk to her when she’s in a meltdown.

So I got all ready and then went and just held her so she could calm down.

Once we got home from cheer, she was super excited to FaceTime him, but he was sleeping and didn’t answer. That wasn’t easy for her to handle.

After we got through that we had a quiet rest of the afternoon and she was super excited to FaceTime with him later in the evening.

We told her her was coming home tomorrow, meaning today and that sent her over the moon!

She has not stopped asking when he is coming home since she got up this morning lol.

She probably looked out the window about 15 times in the first hour after she woke up till I explained that he is coming home tonight when it’s REALLY dark outside.

I first tried to get explain it to her that he is coming home when she is really tired and getting ready to sleep. So immediately she told me she was tired and wanted to go to bed lol.

Yeah, woops, let’s rephrase that lol.

So now she is impatiently waiting for him to get home and I can’t wait to see the look on her face when he does :).

It has been a really tough, emotional 4 days for her, and for that I’m glad it’s over.

Super Excited for Pj party, lol :)

She is super ecstatic for her Pyjama Party Friday night :).

Ethan’s Playground holds a PJ party babysitting service every second Friday and Juli adores going. It’s great for the parents as it’s gentle on the bank account and tons of fun for the kids.

Last time there wasn’t enough attendance as people were probably doing other things for the Thanksgiving weekend. So I had to tell Juli she couldn’t go the morning after telling her the previous night that she would be going to PJ party.

That didn’t go over well :(. She went into complete meltdown and it took her a good few hours to feel regulated again. The poor thing, her day was really thrown off a lot and she just couldn’t manage to feel right for a lot of the day….

That was a super hard day for her….

So when I told her before bed tonight that she was going to PJ party in two days, well she was more than ecstatic lol :).

She has supper there, goes on the indoor slides, has pizza, eats popcorn and/or goldfish crackers, does crafts and watches a movie. It’s the highlight of her week lol.

And it’s happening this Friday.

And I get 4 hours to do what I want. Often I will take advantage and spend time with one of my best friends.

The PJ party place is in my old area so when I’m out there I “live” at my best friends house. I say “live” as I’m out there a lot during the month and have no where to stay in between the places I have to go. So I spend that time at my bff’s :).

Juli loves being there too. Always asks when we are going to see them :).

So last night I told her about PJ party and she gets to see “Auntie” as well.

This is one of her favorite days of the week and maybe one of mine too lol 🙂

Monday’s are the toughest – a double whammy

Monday’s are often really hard days, for both Juli and I.

It kind of feels like a double whammy. For Juli its emotionally based and for me it’s mentally based and routine based.

Juli asks us every day “is daddy going to work tomorrow?” If tomorrow is a weekday we tell her yes. And if tomorrow is a weekend then we tell her no. Sunday’s are hard as that is when daddy has been home for two days and now tomorrow he has to work.

Omgosh, when she wakes up on Monday morning and asks if daddy is at work and I tell her yes, the first thing out of her mouth is “I don’t want daddy to be at work!” She yells this at me with tears.

Breaks my heart….

It can take her anywhere from 30 minutes up to 90 minutes sometimes more to calm down and be ok with the fact that daddy is at work. Once she is ok, then she is able to start doing what she needs to do like eat and get ready for school.

For me though it is very hard to calm her down from this while at the same time trying to keep myself on focused and on track with the Monday routine.

I have been working on weekend schedule for the past two days and even though two days doesn’t seem long it really is to me.

So now I’ve got to go from “I’ve got him home to help me” mode to “I’ve got to get this done with it just being me” mode. And at the same time I have to help her calm down and regulate herself and not allow myself to get absorbed in that and lose track of time all the while trying to change modes and regulate myself.

Sometimes like this morning I don’t manage this very well. It’s really hard to help your child get through being upset when you don’t feel right yourself….

Monday’s can definitely feel like double whammy days. They don’t start feeling normal or better for me until around 5:30pm or so. Probably because at that point JP will be home soon and Juli understands this and that makes her feel better. Also by then I’ve had time to get into gear and finally things start to fall into place for me too.

A like Monday’s in one way because the craziness of the weekend ends, but in other ways not so much as what I’ve described here happens most Monday’s…..

As I mentioned in my previous post, I think the one good thing that happened today was that Juli had a good eating day. But other than that it was very much a typical double whammy Monday…….

Crossed a Barrier :)…..

I can finally say that we have crossed the barrier. Juli is ok with me going out now.

There is no more meltdowns and begging me to stay home. No more crying. No more “I don’t want to be with daddy”…

And man, what a relief it is. How good does this make me feel :)….. I used to have to get out for my own sanity or just because I needed to get some things done and I used to feel so bad about leaving. It would break my heart and I would end up crying myself part way to my destination.

But now I can safely say that is no more!

I go to see my psychologist on average once a week and now when I have to go out I tell Juli in the afternoon “When daddy comes home I have to go out”. Now instead of “I don’t want you to go!” I get “where are you going mommy?” Now she isn’t totally settled yet so I can’t always tell her the exact details as she will obviously still want to come. So I tell her I have to go to a meeting or I tell her I have to go and talk to some people.If I am going to see D. Zanni then I tell her I’m going to get her a snack from miss Zanni’s. She loves the snacks there so I always bring her home a little something when I go. It is so cute.

Once I told her that I am going she says to me “and I’m staying home with daddy and we are going to do things and have so much fun?” And I say “yes” and she now just says OK.  And that is usually it.

And trust me that IT feels so good!!

We have worked so hard for this and it has taken a very long time. She is 5 and only now can I leave the house without my daughter freaking out.

She is not bad when Jp and I both leave together. That is a little bit harder as it doesn’t happen very often (not as often as we would like, but we are working on that too).  She gets a little bit upset for a few minutes, then she wants to open and close the door behind us then at the last minute decides she doesn’t want us to go after all and has to process accepting that we are anyways. But the babysitter we found, that specializes in Autism, he is really good so he knows how to handle this well.  This makes us feel very comfortable :).

Hopefully this being accomplished will help towards releasing some of the extreme over attachment she has with me… I love having her close with me, but I also know that this close will not help her in learning to regulate herself when she is deeper into the school system. So it’s important that we do this…. and so we are.

The night went pretty well…

Her PJ party went pretty well. Better than I expected. Yay 🙂

She did sleep in the van on the way in so she was very drowsy when we got there. Usually when she sleeps in the car it takes her quite some time to adjust. And this room can be a bit over whelming for an autistic child. Lots of kids laughing a making noise as well as running around everywhere.

So I expected her to be kind of glued to me and not want to go in like she often did. She was a bit shy but she did surprisingly well.  I passed her from my arms to the arms of the lady that runs the evening and Juli went very willingly into her arms :).

After that it was just a matter of her climbing down and venturing out to play. This was much simpler from the coordinators arms instead of my own.

Once Juli decided she was ok to go play then it was just a matter of saying good-bye and getting a hug :). I was pleased that she did both.

I was quite impressed at how well it went and I got the usual “run at me at the speed of light and topple me over” greeting when I got there :).

The good trend is continuing :). Maybe I can expect more of this :)?

I am so not complaining, and I will definitely consider making the trip out more often if she is going to be handling the good-bye’s better as well as having a lot of fun :).

PJ Party!

An organization near where we used to live holds PJ parties for kids 1-2 times per month.

It is great for parents as they get to drop their kids off for 4 hours, pay $20, and go do what they need to do knowing that their child is being well fed and well taken care of.

This organization, EP, provides pizza, popcorn, a movie and tons of activities including indoor slides.  All of this takes place inside their center so you don’t have to worry about the kids while they are there.

I slowed down on taking Juli there after we moved as the distance was long and she often had issues with the separation.

But after having her bday party at their center, Juli told me that she missed going to the PJ parties.  So I told her that next time they had one I would bring her.

Well that time is tomorrow :).

I asked her tonight if she wanted to go.  Figuring that with the choice to go or not, knowing that I will not stay with her, I thought she would choose not to go as she had many times in the past…

Well, she’s continues to surprise me :)!

She chose to go. She said she really wants to go and even described to me some of things she does while she is there lol.  It was really cute.

I was happy to see that she was excited to go even knowing that I am not going to be staying with her. I drop her off at 5:30pm and be back to pick her up at 9:30pm.

That is the best part as she is super excited to see me and tell me everything that she did.

I will confirm her attendance and I am curious to see if she is still as much excitement as it gets closer to the time for her to go.

I am starting to get really hopeful that her being ok with my going out or her going somewhere may just continue to be a normal thing…  Has she finally surpassed this difficulty that she has had for the longest time……?

Today wasn’t so bad

Today wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, but not a good as I was hoping for.

I was hoping that it would be as if she hadn’t missed any school and she would get up as normal and there would be no difference than any other school day.  Well, I think that would have been too much to ask for after a week off lol.

I did try to get her up about 45 minutes earlier than usual and that didn’t go very well due to the time change. I tried to wake her up early and ended up having to drag her out of bed in just enough time to give her a bit to eat and rush out the door.  Not the best thing to do with my child that has trouble transitioning.

While getting her dressed and ready she did start telling me that she didn’t want to go to school which I was expecting and I was ready for it lol. I had all my reasons why she should go to school and that I couldn’t wait to hear all about what her teachers had planned for her first day back.

After a couple of small and medium meltdowns she started using what she had learned from one of her favorite shows “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” to calm herself down.  We sang the calm down song a few times together and that helped her to feel better.  After that she was a bit more willing to get ready to go – thankfully.

The rest of the time getting ready seemed to go better. Thank goodness too as we were on the verge of being late from having to stop and deal with those meltdowns.

We managed to get out the door in the nick of time :).

Other than her stimm of constant talking on the way to school the ride went not too bad.

We got to school and she kept on referencing things and comparing them to things in Daniel Tiger. I take this as a good thing. She was trying to find a way of being ok with going to school.  We got her out of her out door clothes and that’s when she started getting upset and scared as she realized her classroom (and my leaving) was just on the other side of those doors…..

We had to sing another calm down song and remind her that Daniel Tiger and Caillou both go to school just like she does.  Her teacher came out to get her and had to practically drag her into the class, but at least it wasn’t kicking and screaming….

So all in all it wasn’t as good as a normal school day but it also wasn’t as big a fight or battle as I thought it would be :).

I am very grateful for that :).

School this week won’t be easy…

Juli doesn’t do well with change. All part of the autism as well as the sensory processing disorder.  She had a hard time adjusting to being off this past week. She kept asking if she was going to see her friends. She was happy not to be leaving me, but she was not happy not seeing her friends. This week coming is going to be harder though.  Going to be very hard to get her to go into school and leave me without separation difficulty especially since she has been with me all week.

It is already hard to get her to go into the classroom as it is. I always have to plan at least an hour and a half on school mornings to get her up and out the door.  I think I will have to plan closer to two hours for Tuesday and maybe Wednesday morning this week.  I know when she asks where we are going and I tell her “school”, I know she is going to freak out and cry insisting that she doesn’t want to leave me.

And I know it is because she honestly doesn’t. I am her comfort zone. I understand her. And it scares her deeply to think about being away from me. I’m understanding this and we are working on it.  I feel like I’m saying that a lot these days :(. I feel like we have so much to work on – everything….

But we do – and we are, and I am thankful for that. I am so thankful that I now understand what is going on and I have ways to help her.

Knowing what we were up against this week with a return to school after not going for a whole week. I purposely tried to have her go places and spend time with her dad without me. Try and get her used to being away from me for a little bit so that Tuesday doesn’t some as such a shock.

She has to be with me in the West Island all day tomorrow as it is therapy day again – every second Monday. We go visit her speech therapist and then we go to her occupational therapy. After this tomorrow we then have a small stop to make before we hit the traffic and head back home.  So it will be a long day.

I am going to start preparing her tomorrow for her school on Tuesday. It is probably going to make the day difficult tomorrow as she will be insisting from the moment that I tell her about school that she can’t go. And we will have to deal with that the whole day on top of a long day of therapies. But it is the only way to make Tuesday a bit easier preparing her in advance to go to school.

I know that getting her used to change is good and really necessary, but it really is exhausting lol and not easy….

I really hope that this week ends up going better than I’m anticipating.  Wish me luck please 🙂

Going to have to work on separation….

This is becoming a serious issue with us. She has always been attached to me more than she should and has a hard time when I leave to go out. She would scream and beg me not to leave, but then with in a few minutes of my being gone she would calm down and be ok. She would then be able to have a nice, fun time with her dad while I’m gone.

Unfortunately this is not the case lately. Things are starting to change big time and i’m not sure why. The last time I went out just for about an hour. I went to pick up a friend and bring her back for a knitting lesson. Juli was sound asleep on the couch when I got back. It was a bit earlier than usual for her to be asleep, but i didn’t think much about it then.

I asked Jean-Pierre the next day about how she was the night before, expecting him to tell me the usual that after I left she cried a couple minutes and then she was fine. Instead I hear that she went into complete hysterics, kicking and screaming, practically tearing at the door, screaming for me to come back. She wouldn’t even let him touch her or comfort her. All she wanted was me. He hadn’t seen her that extreme before…..

It made me feel sick to hear that. It made me cry……

I hate putting Juli through these emotions but I do need to go and do things sometimes with out her. I need to have some time to myself sometimes. To remember who I am and get that back, not always be Juli’s mommy.

But when I know this and think to myself that my going out will put Juli through that and as well will leave Jean-Pierre to cope with her like that I feel guilty putting either of them through that and it makes me not want to go out :-(.

And God only knows what she will be like if Jean-Pierre and I hire her baby sitter and go out for a date….. I don’t know if we can do that and leave her baby sitter to handle her if she is like that…..

I wish I knew why this is changing now… The one thing I do know is that this is going to become priority to work on with her RDI therapy…..